Rant: Yes, I don't have a "real job". So what?

Art: Robin Eisenberg

I have never understood the concept of writing in public at a coffee shop. I'm not judging. I tried it for a bit 20 years ago but it never worked well for me. Perhaps some peeps' brains work better in those conditions. But for me, I need absolute solitude. I also need to know that I have no plans for the rest of the day and into the night in case I get on a roll and want to keep going. Moreover I have a whole ritual I need to do before I even begin putting one word down that involves incense, meditation, music and other things to pull me out of myself and into the right headspace.

So many people in my life have seemed to think they can hang out with me and chat while I write or that I can just pop up and swing by in the middle of the day because I don't have a "real job" and I find that endlessly infuriating.

I've lost a handful of friends over the years who can't comprehend that I can't drop everything any day of the week to talk on the phone or whatever simply because I'm home and not in some office cubicle.

Art: Robin Eisenberg

I may not make a lot of money writing (which I don't even have a problem with because I'm so much happier than when I did make money on other people's sets or doing graphic design) and I may not drive to a soul-sucking job everyday but that doesn't mean I don't work. I work my ass off. (I joke that I'm lazy but that's really a cover. I'm a workaholic perfectionist who has to force myself to stop so I don't get bleeding ulcers like I did in college.)

Heck, I overdid it so much on my last edit working 8 hours a day everyday Monday through Friday that I had little time to balance rest, fun, and chores, often sacrificing some or all. By the end of it I completely burned myself out and needed isolated self-care for a solid week.

I love writing. (I don't love editing but that's another story.) I don't even really care if no one reads my words - though it would, of course, be nice if they do - but ultimately I love the process of putting pen to paper and conjuring tales. And I live for those moments when my ego melts away and the story starts writing itself, my hand barely able to keep up with the flow of words tumbling from my brain.

Those moments are pure joy.

They are my life's breath.

So, yes, I don't have a "real job" but that doesn't mean I'm doing nothing or that I can be at anyone's beck and call any time they want. And I will banish those who attempt to force their will upon me and try to pull me away from the one thing that keeps the demons at bay.

Writing is life.

Everything else is a hobby.

Even my small business.

Unless it keeps growing... But writing will always be my first love (and, incidentally, being alone will always trump the alternative - until I reach that critical mass and my social side rears its animalistic head seeking like-minded souls to conjure with).

Art: Robin Eisenberg

This all came to a head because I told someone recently that Mondays weren't good for me and their reply was basically: "But you don't work so you're always free." 

That one sentence burrowed under my skin and pissed me off. I am not always free. Monday is my day of solitude to contemplate my week and prepare. I need that time to set my goals, tidy the house, and recharge from the weekend. Moreover, even if I wasn't busy with those things or writing or working on American Witch, even if I just wanted a day to myself, how dare anyone presume that because I don't have a day job that I'm just completely available to them any time at the drop of a hat? And I really shouldn't have to justify how I spend my time to anyone. It's my life. I can do whatever I want with it and owe no one any explanations. However, I just wanted to lay it all on the line. I'm not sitting on the couch all day eating Cheetos and watching Netflix. I'm building something. Call it a career, call it a brand, call it whatever you want, but it takes time, and patience, a lot of hard work, and the right atmosphere to create.

Art: Robin Eisenberg

It's not even about that one person, they merely broke the camel's back. There have been many over the years... Like one who would drop by and, when I would say that I was writing, they'd reply, "Oh, that's fine, you can keep writing while I talk to you." LOLWUT? That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

So forgive me if I'm not always available or can't reply immediately. Such is the life of the creative. It's not personal. I still love you. I just need some space. (And you really don't want to be on the receiving end of me having a tantrum because I'm interrupted during a flow moment. It's not pretty.)

Thanks for reading my rant. I just needed to vent. I'll post a nice poem next time.

Maybe.

To Blog, or Not to Blog?

Hiya.

It's been awhile since I blogged.

Does anyone blog anymore? I mean like in the old school sense of basically keeping a public diary to rant into the void, or is it all about politics and make-up tutorials now? Not that there's anything wrong with either of those, it's just that sometimes one wants to share their innermost thoughts without having a hidden agenda -- be that making money or whatever else motivates one to write online. Sometimes the agenda is just to purge my brain of thoughts with the hopes that even one person reads it and gets me.

I don't even know if anyone ever visits this page anymore it's been so long since I've updated it. I popped in the other day and found loads of broken links. In fact, I'm still sorting those out...

But if you did find your way here, welcome!

Sorry I've been absent from my own internet home. I've been spending a lot of time on social media lately and that sort of filled the need to be validated online, leaving this place abandoned.

Also, I had a terrible thing happen to me a few years back around the time I stopped blogging. Certainly that's not a coincidence...

I'm not at liberty to discuss what happened because it involves someone else and I was mostly fallout or collateral damage, but it pulled the rug out from under me and shattered my heart.

I had to go into hiding for awhile to heal and re-find myself.

Along that journey, I fell into a whole new community that embraced me with totally open arms and, for the first time in my life, made me feel truly welcome and, dare I say, normal.

I've always been kind of weird since I was a kid. I preferred staying in to read on weekend nights in high school instead of partying. I took everything super seriously from my grades to my teenage angst.

Many times when I would attempt to socialize, I'd be told I was "too much" or said "weird things" and once someone even told me I'd fit in better if I just sat there looking pretty and kept my mouth shut.

For years I tried to fit in, but I never did.

I won't bore you with all the details of why I didn't fit in, but I'll tell you where I found myself: in the witchcraft, psychic, & medium communities.

While you can be a witch without being a psychic or medium, and vice versa, there's a lot of overlap and I'm somewhere in the middle.

Part of me would like to say I never would have seen myself in this community, but that's a lie. There's been foreshadowing my whole life.

When I was 3, my grandfather passed away. I walked into my grandmother's room and asked her, "Why are you crying?" She told me it was because grandpa was gone. But he wasn't gone. I pointed to a chair in the corner of the room and said something to the effect of, "No, he's not. He's right over there." She stopped crying and I never saw her cry over him again. She also never dated again and whenever suitors would come calling, she'd tell them she was still married.

As I grew up, I learned about the Salem witch trials, as most every kid does growing up in Massachusetts. I was so intrigued. (Many years later, I would also discover that an ancestor of mine was hanged in the 1600s during the the time of the witch hunts.)

When I turned 12 my Mum gave me my very first tarot deck, the Mythic Tarot by Juliet Sharman-Burke. I started giving readings only to myself, then practiced on my friends. Nearly every time I gave scarily accurate readings, and often went off book as thoughts would pop into my head. I could pull things from their minds, secrets they'd told no one. I assumed it was all in the cards. I didn't realize until many years later that it was all coming from me and that the cards were merely a tool to help awaken a natural gift.

I've also always had an affinity for all things nature. I'd go for long walks in the woods and hug trees. There was a lane beside my grandma's house and we'd walk down to this small pond. Near it was a giant boulder that I used to love to climb on. My grandma would say things like, "If you listen closely, you can hear the spirits of the Indians who used to live here." I'd close my eyes and lay back on the rock and I could hear them.

She'd also tell me that fairies lived in the moss and when it rained they came out to dance under the mushrooms that sprouted up. I swore I could see them. I created whole fantasies around them like how if you were suddenly missing something that you were absolutely positive you remembered putting away, it was the fae who carried them off. When the wind would blow and whip through the trees in the back yard, I imagined I could hear the clinking of tin cups and pocket watches and whatever else they stole and hung up in the branches as decorations in their fairyland.

I was also always intrigued by things like Norse, Greek, and Egyptian mythologies, gods, and magick without ever even considering that those things could be considered witchy. I was drawn to the likes of Athena, Odin, Isis, and Neptune. Having not been raised religious, I didn't necessarily believe that gods were real, but rather a focus point of energy that you could tap into in times of need. For example, whenever I was stuck on a writing project, I'd summon up Odin in my mind to help me find the right words. (Later I'd discover Erich von Daniken and Ancient Aliens and wonder if gods were really misconstrued alien visitors, but that's a whole other conversation...)

Regardless, fast forward to a couple years ago, I found myself drawn back to all those things in my search for myself and, after studying all of the above and more with many teachers, mentors, and friends, I'm slowly crawling out of my self imposed shell.

I started an Instagram called American Witch 13 meant to share updates on a documentary I was working on with Scarlett Amaris, as well as silly witch memes and tips & tricks I've picked up along my journey. I only expected to get about 500 followers. Somehow that's blossomed into over 10k and I don't even know how that happened! Now that I have a mini platform, I plan on using it for good by helping others who felt like me growing up to find their own community and support system.

So, if you ever want to talk spell-crafting, psychic development, or seances come find me here: https://www.instagram.com/americanwitch13/ -- a safe place to share all your wild thoughts without fear of judgment.

If you're here because you've read one of my books, poems, or articles, well, you're in luck because I plan on releasing more...

I'm in the process of finishing the editing on a 100k+ word scifi cyberpunk space opera, which I hope to get traditionally published (once the editor finishes, I'll begin the epic search for an agent and/or publisher). I'm also thinking of asking a handful of friends to read it, so if I know you irl and you're into that sort of thing, lemme know!

I've also been writing poetry again, so I'll probably start posting those here as the mood strikes me.

And I'm preparing to re-publish In the Now in a few months -- I just need to give it a quick update.

If you haven't read any of my other books, you can find them here:

The Saurimonde Series

by
Melissa St. Hilaire
& Scarlett Amaris

I've also decided to partner with Amazon to become an influencer (I know, I know -- cringe!). But my goal with it is to provide a one stop shop for witches and psychics -- from novice to expert -- to find products and books that will enhance their craft and practice. I'll only post recommendations on books I've read and products I've purchase on Amazon that I feel are worth it. I also added fun witchy entertainment because why the hell not? (I still have so much stuff to add but you can see what I've got up so far: https://www.amazon.com/shop/AmericanWitch13)

I've had to do an awful lot of research on this path of becoming a witch, psychic, and medium and I'd like to share what I've learned with anyone interested (and recommend the best sources be they books or even teachers I've studied under) -- all things I wish I had known at a younger age growing up in a tiny, rural town before the dawn of social media.

If you've made it this far and read my rambling tome, I thank you! I've got about 3 years of thoughts backlogged in my brain that I'll need to download over the coming months be they projects, poems, stories, or the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. You've been warned. 😜

Much love,
Mel