Jul 4, 2015

Life Is Crazy

Before I go into the long explanation of why I haven't blogged in awhile, here are links to two articles I've written recently for femininepowercircle.com:


As some of you know, I had a terrifying experience with antidepressants a few years ago. Off and on I've been writing a book about that adventure called Medicated. It's admittedly been a lot more off than on simply because it's a painful journey to face again. However, I think it's an important one to share in our pharmaceutical cure-all age we currently live in. In this article, I revisit that time. It's my book in a nutshell.



I found myself simultaneously flustered and fascinated by the religious right's reaction to the SCOTUS ruling on marriage equality which I examined in this article.



February of this year I learned that a member of my family was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I was shocked but remained hopeful that she would beat it.

By May of this year that hope had drastically diminished as the doctors claimed no treatment could help—her cancer was terminal.

I can't share too many details without giving away who the person is, and I want to respect her privacy, but it's been a real blow to the whole family—especially to her, of course.

I went to visit her in May. She was almost unrecognizable having lost over 80 pounds. I felt tears threaten to fall and my heart crawl up into my throat, but I fought them all back down. I wanted to remain strong for her. I wouldn't put her in a position where she felt like she needed to comfort me. And I wouldn't treat her differently, like I'd witnessed others do, as if she had magically transformed into some new unknown person. As if she became the cancer instead of being the person I've known for years.

I stayed for three weeks. The visit was difficult at times as I assisted with organizing medicine, preparing food, and accompanying them to the hospital.

At one point hopes were raised and quickly dashed as we inquired about a last resort trial, but alas she didn't qualify.

There was an uncomfortable meeting with hospice workers where we discussed end of life care and funeral arrangements.

There were many moments where time seemed to stand still and nothing felt real, as if we were all in denial that this was really happening. As if we'd all wake up and laugh off this terrible dream we'd had, relieved that it had only been a nightmare.

There were tense uncomfortable moments when anger bubbled to the surface and everyone hated everyone else for various perceived infractions. But, in reality, we were all merely hurting and lashing out.

So many times I thought back to my previous visit. All of us walking along the sandy beach watching the waves roll gently to the shore as pelicans flew overhead. Laughing. Smiling. I envied the retired lifestyle where time mattered not.

Now every day is precious. Every second counts.

In a video game I once played, my character was the President of the United States and I was asked to choose between feeding the world or curing cancer. At the time, I chose "feed the world." I'd like to change my answer.


Almost immediately upon returning to LA, I had five U2 concerts on my schedule.

I was both physically and emotionally drained from my trip. I didn't feel in the mood for the mayhem a U2 tour brings.

See, in the past, I've followed the band on tour. Aside from seeing them in my various hometowns of Boston and LA over the years, I've also seen them in NY, NJ, CT, RI, all over Northern CA, OR, AZ, and NV (I may be forgetting a few).  Also, In 1993 I saw them in Dublin twice and in 2006 I saw them in Hawaii.

In short, I'm a huge fan.

I had wanted to see them open in Vancouver, then follow them to San Jose and Phoenix in May, but family came first.

So, instead of 20+ shows, I'd have 5 shows this tour. But that was okay with me. I made my peace with that. I wasn't even sure I had 5 shows in me!

That is until I experienced night 1 of iNNOCENCE + eXPERIENCE in LA GA at the e stage.

Later that night we got the bad news that their tour manager Dennis Sheehan had passed away. Everyone was heartbroken. The next night the energy in the arena was different for night 2. Somber but more charged. That night I was in GA again but this time close to the main stage.

At one point Bono approached Edge and I heard him say, "Switch it up," then they launched into Bad.

"If you twist and turn away.
If you tear yourself in two again.
If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go.
Surrender, dislocate.

If I could throw this lifeless life-line to the wind.
Leave this heart of clay, see you break, break away
Into the night, through the rain
Into the half light, through the flame."

The tears spilled out of my eyes rolling fast down my cheeks.

"If I could, through myself, set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light, through the day."

I felt the weight of the world lift from my soul. I felt at home. Life is what happens in between U2 tours.

The next three shows culminated with LA 5 when they played Volcano, my favorite off the new album, for the first time this tour.

Those five shows were exactly the escape I needed from reality. I've often heard/read other U2 fans say that U2 is always there when they need them most—a new album at the right time or a new tour. For once, I felt that too. Exactly when I needed that feeling of elation, community, love and joy I got it in LA.


The secret project I'm doing with Scarlett Amaris is actually something I've wanted to do for awhile now but haven't had the balls to do it. (Well, I don't technically have the balls now either because I'm a girl. So, I have the ovaries to do it? What's the girl equivalent for having the balls to do something? Is there one? There should be. I guess I'll just have to go with gender neutral guts. I finally have the guts to do it.)

Here's a hint:

Also, I'm still pounding away on Xodus. Granted, it's taking me much longer to write than I had hoped, but life throws wrenches at the best laid plans. I'm not sure if I'll meet my September deadline, but I'd rather take longer and do it right than rush and half ass it. Next up after Xodus I hope to get back to Medicated. All the elements are there for a book, I just have to piece everything together and edit it. Deep breath!

Oh, and if you're curious about what books appear in the "sneak peek" photo (we scoured all my bookshelves for ones that meant something to each of us), below are all the books we pulled, though not all ended up in the final crop:

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