Oct 11, 2008

Living Without Meds & Really? TV Episode 3

The hardest part about not being on meds anymore is looking back over the 8 years I feel I’ve lost on them. Over 8 years I have dwindled down to total apathy. Apathy over art, friends, cleaning, life, everything. 8 years. Then WAM BAM I get locked up in the loony bin for losing my mind on Effexor equivalent Cymbalta and before I know what’s even going on anymore I’m back in the world and off all meds. But the world has changed so much. Where was I? On meds.

Now that I’m off the meds I want to do stuff, go places, get a job, make things, & meet people. Also, while on meds I wanted to leave my husband. I thought he was the problem, but the problem was inside me! I see that now so clearly looking back but while on the meds, I didn’t know.

I didn’t realize I wasn’t myself anymore. For years friends and family tried to tell me. They tried to figure out why. Some thought it was the marriage because I did. But I’m here to tell you, no, man, it was the meds!

They sucked me dry of my ambition and drive. They nearly killed my creativity and marriage. I’m astounded. And to think that all this time it was my general practioner giving me meds that altered my brain’s chemistry, not a psychiatrist.

I realize now, especially since I finally have a real psychiatrist, just how wrong that was. My family is outraged and thinks those doctors should lose their licenses. I don’t know if I agree with that or not but what I will say is this: if you’re on meds, where did you get them? Are they working?

I recently heard of an individual that is doing really well on Cymbalta. Well, good for him! That’s what it’s all about: well being. If the drugs work, great! They just really didn’t work for me and the problem with having the general practioner in charge is that they are not meeting you weekly to see how you’re doing, to check in, make sure the drugs work. Instead the regular doctor will say things like, “And if you’re feeling suicidal, call me.” Well, I never felt suicidal! I was just, y’know, hallucinating for 3 months. That’s all. I didn’t even know what was going on nevermind have the ability to phone my doctor and say, “Hi there’s a problem here. I’m talking to my dead grandmother and she’s telling me to do things…” Yes. That happened. In retrospect it scares the crap out of me, but I vaguely recall it. (Most of my memories from the Cymbalta episode are gone, though. Thank god.)

Aside from crazy, the drugs before that made me exceedingly lazy. And that’s just not the real me! I have an over active mind that conjures things up all the time from stories to necklaces. I have to be constantly doing something or I get down in the dumps (I’m not going to say depressed because that’s a clinical term. I just get moody. Have something to do, yay. Don’t have something to do, boo.)

I’m over energized and a tad OCD, but I let the apartment totally go (those of you who have been here & have known me the longest have seen the difference). Now that I’m off meds I’m cleaning again and taking care in my apartment’s appearance. I’m doing Yoga again. The trick is to not let negative emotions get me too down. Everyone feels. Having feelings is a good thing. Especially for an artist because what is art other than expressed emotion?

My emotions have been surpressed too long.

I’m a bubbling spring of 8 years of emotion. Nay, a volcano erupting! I feel again and it’s good to feel. Even on bad days. And trust me. It’s not easy. It’s hard to find your way back into the light of day after living in a drug fueled haze for 8 years. So cut me some slack! And thanks for reading…

*First published on Triond: http://authspot.com/short-stories/living-without-meds/

Really? TV Ep 3


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