Dec 22, 2008

So, like I did this favor for a friend, right?

And I ended up an extra in a music video directed by Lloyd Kaufman of a band called Not The Government who joined forces with Troma and Toxie to make a season's greeting that uses some of the footage from the video that I'm totally in... Can you find me? Heh Heh Let's play where's Waldo?

Nov 30, 2008

Thanksgiving at Dennys & Creepy Christmas Toys

Living 3,000 miles from home presents a problem at holidays. We can't afford to fly home for every single one so we have to pick and choose. Thanksgiving is low on my priority list because I'm a vegetarian. Here's Jeremy and I at the "Rock 'n' Roll" Denny's for our big fancy Thanksgiving dinner.

Me


And Jeremy looking rather disturbed at his menu...

Jer


In case you're wondering what I had, well, I ate pancakes for Thanksgiving dinner!

Pancake Donut


It looks like a donut, I know. Waitresses (almost) always comment on it and I have to give my requisite response, "It's so the syrup doesn't spread all over everything." Get it? Like a cup! I'm a genius, I know... LMAO.

But why talk about Thanksgiving when according to every store on the planet it's already Christmas.

In fact, just today, I discovered the creepiest Christmas gift ever. So, I videotaped it for you.

Enjoy!

Nov 20, 2008

Seasons Change And So Do I (I friggin’ hope!)

So, as you all know, I've had a wicked rough year. After losing my mind on bad meds, I lost my two favorite cats, and this past month I've had bad insomnia. I don't mean to be so down. I try really hard to stay positive, but sometimes merely trying isn't enough.

Today I sat down with my therapist and talked about my mood. Lately I've just been in a rut that I can't shake. Even doing menial tasks has been hard. So, he's putting me back on meds. Nothing scary, just run of the mill antidepressants. And not permanently, just for "seasonal depression."

But here's the thing. I'm scared. I don't want to be reliant on any chemicals... Ok, I'm a caffeine fiend, so maybe that's not the best way to put it...

I totally detoxed off all meds and I kept waiting to feel better. I never did. I thought maybe it was just still trauma from what happened to me, then I thought maybe it was just mourning from losing my pets, then I thought maybe it was our country's financial crisis (including our own)... I kept trying to attribute my foul mood to circumstantial things, but no matter what I did, or what I experienced, I couldn't help but feel negative. I don't want to be negative. I want to be happy. I want to feel joy by my experiences, not look at the all the things others have or have accomplished and then dwell on what I don't have or haven't accomplished. I want to be inspired by what others do, not feel bad because I'm not doing the same thing, which is precisely what's been going on.

And it's driving me crazy.

Also, I got Jury Duty and completely freaked out. I think that started my whole not sleeping well thing. I kept having visions of horrible crime in my head and having to see terrible photographs of rape or murder. I mean, ok, not everyone who gets jury duty serves and even if they do, not everyone gets some nasty case, but, see, this is the problem, my head just kept going to the worst possible scenario.

Soooooo, here I am again with a pocketful of antidepressants coupled with sleeping pills. I am not stoked. I even tried to argue my case, but I really had no ground to stand on because I haven't been exactly functioning well.

Why am I so sad? Why can't I sleep? My therapist offered me some good anecdotes and I felt a little better, but I can't help but feel weak or like something is wicked wrong with me that I need meds just to cope with life -- something everybody does every day.

At least this time I have a psychiatrist looking out for me and not just a regular doctor tossing the latest fast tracked pills my way with a pat on the head and a "call me if you're suicidal." At least I have someone to help track my moods and make sure the meds are doing what they're supposed to do and really be there if they're not.

But I also can't help but feel like I'll be letting down all those who supported me in quitting meds. I'm wondering if I should even be blogging such personal stuff. Like I'm exposed. But I'm a natural born writer. That's how I express myself... Yes, I've been scribbling away in my journal, but blogging feels better because there's feedback... And you never know, someone else might be going through a similar thing or already have gone through a similar thing so it becomes a shared experience and not just something tucked away and private. I know a lot of people who prefer the privacy but I'm just not like that. I speak my mind whether people will like it or not... Often times causing a sort of foot in mouth situation, but, well, I like having things out in the open, y'know?

I don't know, maybe it's because I'm an only child and have no siblings to bounce things off of... The whole world is my family. Or maybe it's because I like the attention... Because I do. I love attention! Which is kinda hard on a writer since most of the time I'm on my own scribbling away or pondering new concepts. Just today I came up with an idea for a muppet musical inspired by a project I worked on over the weekend.

*sigh*

I dunno... End all be all, I just want to be happy and productive and right now I'm not so if the meds get me to that place, I guess it's a good thing.

Update: I have since learned I was misdiagnosed and the symptoms were blood sugar level related not mental. Thanks, Western Medicine! I only lost about 8 years of my life.

Nov 18, 2008

Chronicles of Insomnia

Ever since I was a child I have battled insomnia. There's nothing worse than being so tried you're crying in bed tossing and turning without the sweet reprieve of sleep.

I've had this bout of insomnia for exactly one month now. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at a time... Mostly only catching an hour here or there.

I miss dreaming.

And I dislike how fatigued I am during the day.

This past weekend presented me a real challenge. I was on my first set in 8 years and had to maintain a level of stamina and endurance. Thankfully I absolutely loved the project and that was probably the only thing driving me -- having a great cast & crew to work with also helped immensely.

Thing is, after working one 12 hour day and then one 15.5 hour day, you'd think I'd sleep like a baby. I hoped. No. Instead I only got 3 hours of no dream sleep after the first day and a total of 5 hours with two dreams after the second day and those 5 hours were broken up in to 3 shifts.

Needless to say, I am beat!

So I broke down and called my therapist. He prescribed Lunestra. I took it at 9 pm. You're supposed to give yourself an hour to take it before you want to be asleep. It's been 3 hours and I'm still awake.

My thoughts have slowed, so that's good -- a step in the right direction, but still... wtf? Why am I not sleeping?

I know it's part of the process of detoxing off all the meds I was on, but, I mean, come on, this totally blows!

I would give anything for one sweet stretch of 8 hours of uninterrupted dream-filled sleep. Anything.

*sigh*

I've tried working out, Yoga, hard work for long hours, walking, writing, reading, watching TV, movies, reading news, hot baths, vitamins, supplements... Tea, I haven't tried tea yet. Maybe I should brew myself some now and see if Tension Tamer tea will make any effect, but if a prescribed sleep aid does nothing, will tea?

Suggestions most welcome!

Nov 7, 2008

Cymbalta Memories Bubbling Up

I wrote the following yesterday while out getting coffee... Events I had forgotten in my drug induced haze are returning with the aid of friends recalling them to me and it's bugging the heck out of me so I had to write my thoughts down in an effort to lay them to rest.

Plagued by twisted memories born from drug induced delirium, I try to focus my attention on anything else to no avail. I sit sucking down my Black Forest at Coffee Bean watching the lights change and briefly ponder synchronization: can we make LA like NYC? But the memories come creeping back overriding the thought process. So I try reading my latest Chuck Palahniuk installment Rant, but every other paragraph my brain clicks off allowing these fool memories to seep back in like a coffee stain on a white shirt. I glance over to the Wiltern trying to trick myself into thinking I care who's playing there as if I'd buy tickets for a show, any show. I know I won't. I can't hide from myself. Why do these memories haunt me?

My psychiatrist says to just let them go, I wasn't myself. It's ok. However, others in my life want to hold me accountable for all my past actions, even ones I don't remember, as if some small part of me really believed the nonsense I sputtered while tripping on Cymbalta. It wasn't me. My psychiatrist told me a story of an accomplished doctor who shoplifted while on Cymbalta equivalent Effexor – something he would never normally do. He assures me that I was in a state of delirium. To let go. But I can't because others around me can't.

I'm so embarrassed by my actions on that drug that I fear running into people who spent time with me. I fear the accounts they tell me, the things I said or did. I don't want to hear it. I try telling them, "Please, stop. I don't want to hear anymore, " but they keep talking, keep recalling all these things I said, crazy things, while also reminding me that I am crazy.

My husband tells me to just say, "So what." So what if I am crazy. So what if I was crazy. Let go. Don't mind so much what other people think.

His advice would be easier to swallow if other folks in my life would be more like him. If they would allow my past actions to stay in the past, but some won't let go what happened.

So I write these words to beg and plead with anyone affected by my drug induced months of 2008 to stop. Please, stop. Consider what you may have heard me say or watch me do and remember no matter what you think or believe I truly was not myself.

In my right mind I would not be talking to deceased humans and delivering messages. In my right mind I would not be thinking I could see into the future. In my right mind I would not believe my husband died in 9/11 and that I've been living a twisted double life with a ghost.

While I was on Cymbalta, I recall one phone conversation where someone said, "So this is the real you." No. No it was not! I was hallucinating. My true self does not talk to invisible spirits or carry on conversations out loud with myself.

I'm sick and tired of being plagued with these memories. It's bad enough they haunt me at night keeping me from much needed sleep; I do not need folks recalling them to me in great detail by day. My self confidence was shattered by my experience and reliving it does me no good.

In order for me to let go, everyone else I know must do the same, but they do not. I find myself increasingly more alone and yet feeling a longing for social time. However, I'm limited to people who knew me while I was out of my mind. People in my building stare at me in horror and cautious anticipation as they walk past me, almost hurrying. I want to move to avoid them.

I'm sick of hearing "welcome back" or comments to my husband "she looks healthy again" as if I'm not standing right there. I'm sick of people telling me "you did those things so you must take responsibility for them" or "you took the drugs so it's your fault."

Listen, folks, I trusted my doctor. No one knew how I'd be affected. If I blame anyone, it's the pharmaceutical companies for fast tracking drugs that alter brain chemistry and allowing general practitioners to dole out antidepressants like candy. Is it a cancer patient's fault for getting ill on chemotherapy? Then why should it be my fault for taking medicine I was told I needed?

As I write these words my system is clean as a whistle. I haven't even had Valium for weeks. My mind is sharp and clear. I may struggle with sleeping too much or too little. I may struggle with loss or mourning. I may struggle with memories I'd rather suppress, but they are my memories. I understand friends and family were deeply troubled and concerned for my well being while I was "gone" (my Mother could tell I wasn't myself just over the phone!) but I'm back. I am myself once more. My new challenge is re-finding myself without the aid of medicine and I ask you allow me to do so without the weight of past indiscretions or craziness. Everything takes time. I cannot snap my fingers and just be ok with what happened. It traumatized me! A part of me is still afraid it'll happen again – as if lingering meds will seep back into my brain and take over my personality again. Another part of me is angry it happened at all. Being constantly reminded of the incident – or incidents – does not help. Being told I'm crazy does not help. I'm trying to rebuild my confidence and all some folks seem to want to do is dwell on the past and keep me in lost moments of delirium claiming that was the real me. Please help me to let go by you letting go. It's over! It wasn't me! It was the Cymbalta altering my brain, altering my personality. When a teenager takes acid for the first time and sees a purple cow talking to him, do you think that he's finally revealing his true self? No! He's tripping his face off induced by drug delirium. The only difference is that I was prescribed the drug by a doctor! And had I known, had I had any inclination of what Cymbalta would do to me, I would not have taken it. I hated acid when I took it in college, for crying out loud.

One day I will learn to not let others affect me so much, but right now the wounds are still fresh. Please cease to pour lemon juice on them. Save it for some iced tea and let's talk politics or weather instead of me.

Nov 6, 2008

Yes We Did! *updated with video*

Yesterday I decided I had to be out and about with other folks on such a potentially momentous day. For better or worse I needed the comfort of community, so I joined one of my friends at the Obama Phone Bank at Sunset Gower Studios.

Obama Phone Bank Sunset Gower

The energy was amazing. So many people came out to help on election day. As electoral results came in, folks cheered, jumped up and down, clapped, and chanted YES WE CAN while watching MSNBC projected on the wall.



After the polls closed and victory was certain, the remaining few crowded around a computer monitor to watch McCain give his concession speech. As much as I hate McCain, this was the best speech ever by him!

Obama Phone Bank Sunset Gower

Later we headed over to the Hyatt for the Obama Victory Celebration. At first, it did not look promising that we would get in. Crowds gathered, mingled, and periodically broke out in cheers and chants as the LA Fire Department pleaded with everyone to just go home, but how could we?

Barack Obama Victory Party @ Hyatt Century Plaza November 4, 2008

Thankfully, fellow Phone Bankers had secured a room, so we were in!

We crowded around TVs watching results pour in whilst pouring champagne in celebration.

Barack Obama Victory Party @ Hyatt Century Plaza November 4, 2008

Eventually, we made our way down to the big party. So many drunk, dancing Democrats!

Barack Obama Victory Party @ Hyatt Century Plaza November 4, 2008

What a night! What an election! What a race!

I couldn't help but camp it up for this shot...

Barack Obama Victory Party @ Hyatt Century Plaza November 4, 2008

At one point a whole slew of people climbed up on the stage in crazy celebration.

Barack Obama Victory Party @ Hyatt Century Plaza November 4, 2008

A night to remember forever!!!

The Obamanators:

Oct 29, 2008

I just had an argument with my head.

I went to the fridge to have Mountain Dew, but my head said, "Have you had water today?"

I kicked my foot, bent my head in shame, and said, "No, no I haven't."

So my head queried, "Do you really want Mountain Dew or do you want water?"

I had no choice but to reply, "Water."

As I reached into the fridge to return the Mountain Dew and retrieve an icy cold water, my head snuck in, "Good girl."

All I could think was, "Fuck you, head."

Oct 28, 2008

The Book of Lists Horror Reading @ Skylight Books

This past weekend I went to Skylight books for a reading/signing of the Book of Lists Horror.

scan0003


The atmosphere was warm and welcoming as zombies poured us Bloody Marias -- like a Bloody Mary but made with tequila instead -- and passed out Hemorrhages (which were totally disgusting to look at).

A drink called Hemorrhage


The reading went a little long, but I caught a few highlights on my little digital camera to share with fellow fans of lists and horror.

I should note that I am wicked enjoying reading the book. It's a veritable who's who of the horror genre. I recommend it to both the enthusiast and the casual observer.

Enjoy!

Ray Bradbury's Five Horror Films That Most Influenced Him As A Youth read by Del Howison p. 5



James Gunn's Nineteen Favorite Reasons God Made Humans So Squishy p. 38



Josh Olson's Ten Best Horror Movie Sex Scenes p. 149



R. B. Payne's Top Ten Best Horror Pulp Magazine Covers p. 396



And here are a few of the autographs I was able to get at the end while everyone mixed.

scan0006


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Oct 27, 2008

Bono & Edge perform with BB King @ the Kodak (video) *updated*

I was lucky to get tickets to an amazing event at the Kodak Theater: Thelonious Monk International Jazz Saxophone Competition & The Blues and Jazz: Two American Classics Honoring B.B. King and Paul G. Allen in association with The Recording Academy® Los Angeles Chapter.

I went not just to broaden my musical horizons but also because Bono & Edge were scheduled to appear. How could I not go?!?

Sneaky camerawoman that I am, I got some footage of a once in a lifetime performance of When Love Comes to Town. (I was in the nosebleeds with a point 'n' shoot, so please forgive the distance & low quality!)*

Otherwise, enjoy!



More footage of BB, Bono, Edge and others from this legendary night!





*Featured on U2's official website! Check it out here: http://www.u2.com/news/index.php?mode=full&news_id=2265

Oct 26, 2008

Letting Go is the Hardest Part & News Blues

I've been writing commentaries and digging up old poems to publish via Triond to help keep me focused on writing consistently while I still detox from prescription meds and get my life back together.

Triond pays the writer by placing ads throughout the content. I'm not quite sure how it all works and I don't make much money, but every time someone reads my work I get little pocket change. Every little bit helps!

So, if you have an extra moment, please read either (or better yet both!) of my most recently published bits.

One is a tribute/commentary on dealing with the loss of my favorite pets:

Letting Go is the Hardest Part (I already feel better just having expressed myself about it)

And the other a political poem I wrote in 1993 that, sadly, still holds true today:

News Blues

And don't forget to click I Liked It at the bottom!

Thanks!

PS: I have video & pics from the Book of Lists Horror signing to post later, but I gotta go get ready for an event tonight. Stay tuned!

Update: Long since abandoned.

Oct 23, 2008

I’ve got my say (poem)

don't tell me what to talk about
don't tell me what to say
I've got my own mind you know
I use it every day

don't tell me how to think
or what I should believe
I've got my own mind you know
I use it my own way

don't tell me who to love
don't tell me how to hate
don't tell me what to talk about
don't tell me what to say

I've got my own voice you know
I use it my own way

So what if I sleep all day
So what if I'm up all night
This is my life to live
I'll live it my own way

don't tell me that I'm mental
I've got proof that I'm not
Just because I'm different
Doesn't mean I haven't got
The right to believe what I choose
When choice is all that matters
I've got nothing else to lose
I don't care if you think I'm a mad hatter

don't tell me what to talk about
don't try to lead me astray
I've got my own mind you know
And now I've got my say

Oct 18, 2008

WIRED’s blog used an image from my FLICKR photostream AGAIN

See, this is why Googling yourself pays off, right? Ok, so I get home from a great night out at M Bar with one of my friends where we enjoyed an interesting line up of comedians including Kevin Lahaie, a fellow Troma fan, Brian Monarch, who stole the show with his light saber dick routine, & headliner Mike Muratore, when I decided I needed a little self love. So I Googled my Flickr monikor: M3Li55@ (cause I can't just be a plain Jane Melissa) & discovered that Wired Magazine's blog, that once used one of my graphic design's for an article on Net Neutrality, also used my most popular photograph of Bono from my Flickr photostream for an article on U2's frontman. How freaken cool is that? U2 is my all time favorite band ever and here the premier magazine of the geek culture uses a photograph that I took at a U2 concert for their story? I am like totally freaking out at the coolness factor!

Here's the link to the Wired Blog Network article on Bono that used my photograph from the Vertigo tour in Phoenix, AZ:

Bono Calls Radiohead's Approach to Music Sales 'Courageous'

And here's the original photo on Flickr:


THAT'S Bono 2 U


Ok, I'm gonna go squeal myself to sleep now.

Oct 16, 2008

I Miss You (Too Much) (poem)

Wanting happy thoughts
Feeling distraught
I miss you
I miss you so much
My soul aches
Every time I wake
Just want to dream
You're here with me
Always
I miss you
I miss you so much
Emptiness surrounding me
Like waves pounding me
I miss you
I miss you so much
I miss you both so much
My heart cries for you
too much
My soul aches for you
too much
My thoughts race with you
too much
They say time heals all wounds
But I think they're all fools
I just miss you both so much
Can't sleep
Can't barely eat
Losing time
Losing my mind
I miss you both so much
Wanting happy thoughts
Feeling distraught
I miss you
I miss you both too much

For Comet & Lucy

Oct 13, 2008

FEAST 2 DVD signing at Dark Delicacies

Saturday the Boy and I took a trip back over to Dark Delicacies to say hi to Clu and the Feast 2 gang and get our copy of the DVD signed as well as my Cut! 2008 photo with zombies.

FEAST 2 signed


FEAST 2 DVD signing


Cut! 2008 Zombie shot signed by Clu Gulager!


He asked for a copy, too, but I only had one. D'oh! Next time, Clu! And this time I'll sign it! 

Many horror movies come and go but few and far between are the truly unique ones that last forever, especially sequels. Dimension's Feast II: Sloppy Seconds serves up a film worth remembering.

At the DVD signing I raved over the first Feast to director John Gulager telling him how it sufficiently creepified me. Well, Feast 2 delivers even more creepification with new twists and turns and an interesting shift of focus on the science of the beast that can turn any iron stomach. Heck, just recalling the dissection gets my stomach churning! Nevermind the bit with the baby! Holy Moley, they took horror to a whole new level on many layers. Not to mention that I'll never look at my cats the same again...

Horror fans I urge you to feast your eyes upon this sequel from the writers of the Saw sequels and be sure to watch on an empty stomach!

Oct 11, 2008

If you read me, I’ll get paid!

I recently submitted 2 articles (from this blog) to www.triond.com for publishing. One was declined, but one was not. If you click the following URL to read it, I'll make 50% off the ad, so, what are you waiting for? Click so I can buy even more groceries: www.authspot.com/Short-Stories/Living-Without-Meds.292683 (You don't even have to really read it. You can just pretend. I don't mind. Just don't forget to click the "Liked It" at the bottom). Thanks!

Living Without Meds & Really? TV Episode 3

The hardest part about not being on meds anymore is looking back over the 8 years I feel I’ve lost on them. Over 8 years I have dwindled down to total apathy. Apathy over art, friends, cleaning, life, everything. 8 years. Then WAM BAM I get locked up in the loony bin for losing my mind on Effexor equivalent Cymbalta and before I know what’s even going on anymore I’m back in the world and off all meds. But the world has changed so much. Where was I? On meds.

Now that I’m off the meds I want to do stuff, go places, get a job, make things, & meet people. Also, while on meds I wanted to leave my husband. I thought he was the problem, but the problem was inside me! I see that now so clearly looking back but while on the meds, I didn’t know.

I didn’t realize I wasn’t myself anymore. For years friends and family tried to tell me. They tried to figure out why. Some thought it was the marriage because I did. But I’m here to tell you, no, man, it was the meds!

They sucked me dry of my ambition and drive. They nearly killed my creativity and marriage. I’m astounded. And to think that all this time it was my general practioner giving me meds that altered my brain’s chemistry, not a psychiatrist.

I realize now, especially since I finally have a real psychiatrist, just how wrong that was. My family is outraged and thinks those doctors should lose their licenses. I don’t know if I agree with that or not but what I will say is this: if you’re on meds, where did you get them? Are they working?

I recently heard of an individual that is doing really well on Cymbalta. Well, good for him! That’s what it’s all about: well being. If the drugs work, great! They just really didn’t work for me and the problem with having the general practioner in charge is that they are not meeting you weekly to see how you’re doing, to check in, make sure the drugs work. Instead the regular doctor will say things like, “And if you’re feeling suicidal, call me.” Well, I never felt suicidal! I was just, y’know, hallucinating for 3 months. That’s all. I didn’t even know what was going on nevermind have the ability to phone my doctor and say, “Hi there’s a problem here. I’m talking to my dead grandmother and she’s telling me to do things…” Yes. That happened. In retrospect it scares the crap out of me, but I vaguely recall it. (Most of my memories from the Cymbalta episode are gone, though. Thank god.)

Aside from crazy, the drugs before that made me exceedingly lazy. And that’s just not the real me! I have an over active mind that conjures things up all the time from stories to necklaces. I have to be constantly doing something or I get down in the dumps (I’m not going to say depressed because that’s a clinical term. I just get moody. Have something to do, yay. Don’t have something to do, boo.)

I’m over energized and a tad OCD, but I let the apartment totally go (those of you who have been here & have known me the longest have seen the difference). Now that I’m off meds I’m cleaning again and taking care in my apartment’s appearance. I’m doing Yoga again. The trick is to not let negative emotions get me too down. Everyone feels. Having feelings is a good thing. Especially for an artist because what is art other than expressed emotion?

My emotions have been surpressed too long.

I’m a bubbling spring of 8 years of emotion. Nay, a volcano erupting! I feel again and it’s good to feel. Even on bad days. And trust me. It’s not easy. It’s hard to find your way back into the light of day after living in a drug fueled haze for 8 years. So cut me some slack! And thanks for reading…

*First published on Triond: http://authspot.com/short-stories/living-without-meds/

Really? TV Ep 3


Sep 27, 2008

Bathtub Danzig

So, I went out to Cat & Fiddle with my friend Nikki, Mike, & some other dude who's name I totally forget right now (Sorry dude! He was cute, too. Anyway...) and after a raucous game of Photo Hunt & a tormented game of Music Trivia she told me to look up "Danzig Shopping List" & look for her video response after watching the original and omg I just have to say kudos to her. First of all for discovering the Danzig Shopping List video in the first place (I obviously missed it) & Secondly for memorizing the lyrics enough to sing it. How awesome is that? She's so wicked.

Here's Nikki & Me @ CF:



As you can see, I'm making my crazy face. LMAO. I dunno what I was thinking... Must've been those black & tans. *blush*

Here's the original Danzig Shopping List:





And here's my friend's YouTube-famous *drum roll please* Bathtub Danzig:



Oh, Nikki, you crack me up!

Sep 26, 2008

Really? TV Episode 2 with special guest

Portia and Dean, Cabbage Patch kids, discuss important hard hitting issues. With Special Guest, Jeremy Graham, gaffer. Really?


Sep 24, 2008

Dark Delicacies, Indeed! (feat. Lloyd Kaufman)

So I got this text message from Lloyd Kaufman suggesting I check out this DVD signing he's participating in at a bookstore called Dark Delicacies because he thinks I'll dig the store. Well, he was right! I wicked did AND I highly recommend ALL horror fans to go there enmasse NOW! Stop reading this, turn off your computer, & get in your car/hop on your bike/beg for a ride to The Book of Lists: Horror's Del Howison's store Dark Delicacies pronto.

I'll just sit here and listen to iTunes until you get back.



Ok, back? (I know you didn't really go, so just play along.)

I met Del & chatted him up with Lloyd (I left my memory stick in the computer having just uploaded my REALLY? TV footage for editing so I had to make due with a borrowed camera phone):



A surprise meeting was Tony Todd. That was cool. He's on 24 now, so I introduced him to Jeremy because he did the first 3 seasons. Small town:



Here are some more photos from the evening, including my fave horror flick proudly displayed:









I bought a copy of the DVD BRYAN LOVES YOU and had it signed by everyone except Lloyd. I didn't do that on purpose though. (As a side note, I realize what I Twittered about autographs, but I forgot how much fun it is to pick through books on a shelf and find the personalized touch of a signed one, like Dark Delicacies up above or one of  an author that Lloyd recommended, Joe Shirley, below. If I had more money I would've bought the signed SNUFF for Care!):



Mine's two-sided. It was not on purpose... I'm just a dork & forgot to pull out the inside cover for everyone to sign properly. See, I'm just not well versed in the art of DVD signing. *sigh* Oh well...





All in all it was a supertronic time! I got to meet some wicked cool folks that I look forward to seeing again at maybe Screamfest
or future signings at Dark Delicacies.

Cheers!

Melissa

Sep 23, 2008

Why should I stop blogging? (a rant)

I'm trying to embrace the "who gives a shit what other people think about what I do with my time" approach to life.

Hence blogging. Certain folks close to me have oft suggested I cease to blog. My question is why? Why should I cease? I enjoy blogging. I don't even care if anyone reads my blogs. I'm just a compulsive writer.

Then I get the, oh, well, then you should just write your thoughts down in private.

Um, what makes you think I don't?

I have notebooks & journals & random crumpled up pieces of paper spilling over the brim of my apartment with all my private thoughts. Some of these thoughts are screenplays, some are poems, most are just me ranting away about my day, but all are private... except what I decide to share via my blog (or other avenues). And so what if I do share? I'm not not making money by blogging. Blogging doesn't hold me back creatively. If anything it fuels me. Heck, why write something & not share it? Especially if you're proud of it. (And even if you're not. I don't know if I'm proud of this blog yet. This is sponateity baby.)

People tell me MySpace isn't real. The internet isn't real. You want more. Well, then, what is real? My thoughts are real. These words you read are real. I am real. So what if my chosen form of expression is a corporate sponsored blog machine. I like MySpace. I like YouTube, too. And Flickr. I like sharing what I make with whomever cares cause maybe we'll find a connection there. Maybe I'll make a new friend. Or maybe I'll touch another soul who knows how shitty things can go and maybe I'll inspire someone to pick up a pen and share their thoughts, too. Or maybe I wont.

Point is, you don't unless you do, ya dig?

So to whoever secretly reads my blogs and then tells me to my face, "You're wasting your time," fuck off.

Really? TV

Portia and Dean, Cabbage Patch kids, discuss important hard hitting issues. Really?


Sep 22, 2008

Fine


I don't mean to be a shitty friend
I'm just too narsissistic in the end
So you say goodbye
Well you've said that before
Just another lie
Then you'll be back at my door
You won't give me some slack
Always on the attack
I'm sorry I said
You said you didn't want that
Fine fine fine
Fine fine fine
I'm fine leave me alone
I'm fine hang up the phone
I'm fine I'll go it alone
I'm fine
Fine fine fine

Sep 21, 2008

Remember Floppy Colon? No? Then read me!

So, I was in therapy today and I had a decent session but it seemed like the general theme was I don't focus enough on myself (and here I thought I was narcissistic). So, in an attempt to shine a light back on me & show the world what I see, I give you *dun dun dun* Floppy Colon!
Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs

Created in 2007, Floppy Colon was a way for me to redirect negative energy -- the depression & anger & hormonal imbalance -- that my ovarian cysts were giving me.

Floppy Colon itself was born from the lips of my surgeon, who informed me, shortly after removing my appendix & sucking fluid out of my ovaries, that my colon was too floppy. Well, I thought that was the funniest thing I ever heard. I was like, "So, what? I have a floppy colon." And in total seriousness the doctor was all, "Yes, you have a floppy colon and I highly recommend you blah blah blah..." He didn't skip a beat. I was like, um, hello, why is this only funny to moi?

So, a few months later I was messing around with my Sharpie when lo & behold I drew my floppy colon just randomly and I fell in love... Then, of course, I had to draw the ovaries, which were really killing me, thus the attack of the killer ovaries.

Good times. Good times.

Not.

But I made the most of it.

Check it out some time & add Floppy as a friend. He gets lonely sometimes, especially since I killed him off. LMAO.

Floppy Colon MySpace Page

Sep 19, 2008

The Day Love Died

Just give her love
It's all that's left
When death has caught
The final breath
Sing a Song
Sing it Just For Me
Lucy
Lucy
Lucy

lucy02_071501


IMG_0002

Img_0028



"Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she's gone.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmellow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.
Newspaper taxis appear on the shore,
Waiting to take you away.
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds,
And you're gone.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds,
Picture yourself on a train in a station,
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties,
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstyle,
The girl with the kaleidoscope eyes."

-The Beatles
PS: The best vet in the west is Dr. Melissa Fogel. Her practice is called Media City Animal Hospital if you should ever be in need... Tell her I sent you. She has incredible bedside manners.

Sep 18, 2008

Random Waves of Thought

Energy waves come spiraling in
repeating all my past sins
they want names & numbers
I just can't tell
secret is I'm going to hell
that's what they say
that's what they think
maybe I'll have another wink
before I tell you that you stink.

Liars lie they lie all the time.
I'm telling you this honestly.

Ppl call me a liar
that's no lie
they just never
seem to recall
when I call
them on it
just what lies
been made unsecret.

Maybe I've lied
but you knew all the time
so let's move on
I'm sick of this hard on
with self destruction & debt
our country needs a new president.

Sep 16, 2008

Let it Roll

Sometimes just gotta sit and be
Still with yourself
Breathe
Believe
Time does fly
Capture the good moments
Let the bad roll on by

Let the bad roll on by
Bye Bye
Baby
By and by
Let them roll on by
Baby
by and by
Let them roll on
Baby blues
Let yourself
Rock it all out
Back & forth
Baby blues

Sometimes you just gotta be silent
Feel the beat smooth and sweet
Let it rock
Let it roll
Let it all go...

Throw the dice
Thick as ice
I'm not vanilla
I'm not chocolate
I'm whatever you want
Whipped up quick.

I give it all away for free
Take it - don't you see
I need you I need this...*

 Words
Splash at my feet
Sound
Trickles in my ears
The music flows over my body
    Like strong Atlantic waves
    Beating on the rocky shore

I need this
I need you
Your heavy breaths of smoky language
 Like dewy fog

    You lead me through dark seaweed
    As a lighthouse shines
     On the blinding way

I am floating on your melody
    And drowning in your dirge
    Save me with your watery words

*The 1st half just written now
**The 2nd half written 1992 & published in:


Shards
Tenth Anniversary Edition 1992
Editors: The Quabbin Poetry Club

I call this: GARBAGE IS REVERSIBLE (photo)

GARBAGE IS REVERSIBLE

Sep 4, 2008

Net Neutrality: Which Side Are You On?

http//blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2008/03/comcast-adoptin.html


Lloyd Kaufman asked me to blog about Net Neutrality a little while ago but I haven't yet for two reasons: 1) I was travelling & had little to no access to a computer and 2) I wasn't really sure what to blog exactly.
Well, today, after falling asleep beside my Dad's pool and turning into a lobster, it occurred to me that most people might not even know what net neutrality is or why they should even care, nevermind why I would get so excited by it that I'd 1) create a graphic design devoted to it & 2) be conversing with Lloyd in the first place over net neutrality!
So, what is net neutrality and why should you care?
Here's what Wiki has to say:
"Network neutrality (equivalently net neutrality, Internet neutrality or simply NN) is a principle that is applied to residential broadband networks, and potentially to all networks. A neutral broadband network is one that is free of restrictions on the kinds of equipment that may be attached, on the modes of communication allowed, which does not restrict content, sites or platforms, and where communication is not unreasonably degraded by other communication streams."*
Let's pretend you actually read that. Now let's pretend you didn't.
What it says basically, is that net neutrality means that your ISP has NO CONTROL over what YOU CHOOSE to download. So, if you, oh, I dunno, want to pirate SLiTHER (a James Gunn film) from a BitTorrent (a popular peer-to-peer software/internet slang for downloading) site because you're, oh, let's say too poor to buy it, then, well, you'd be able to no problemo because NO ONE would be paying any attention to what you are downloading.
So what's the problem?
The problem is this: pirating is wrong. When you download James' movie you are stealing from him and all the good folks who worked their butt's off making the film (well, at least those who get royalties).
So here's the question of the day/year/decade: who should police pirating?
Of course many feel the FCC should swoop in and Big Brother the heck out of the internet, but who wants that? Do you really want your daily internet activity to be the equivalent to Fox nightly news?
Why do you even go onto the internet? I won't even touch porn with a ten foot pole, that's your business. Most people I know, including my folks, best friends and MySpace Pals, use the internet for information (where else would James come up with such great ideas as Humanzee?!?!).
The internet is the last great bastion of untapped, unfiltered information.
Net Neutrality -- and the politicians who stand behind it -- want to keep the internet just that: untapped, unfiltered information!
Now let's get back to choosing sides. The design at the top was created by me as my own personal FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION, posted to Flickr under the CREATIVE COMMONS license, & picked up by WIRED magazine's blog for an article on Net Neutrality and the uncomfortable relationship between Comcast and BitTorrent. That's right: relationship.
There's a link to the article in my photos section, but to save you the trouble have at it right here: http://blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2008/03/comcast-adoptin.html
The title of the article alone makes my skin crawl: Comcast Makes a Deal with BitTorrent.
What exactly does that mean? What is BitTorrent doing sharing a bed with Comcast and why should you care?
Comcast is a massively popular ISP (Internet Service Provider). If your email address ends with "@comcast.net" then Comcast is providing you with internet service and is "watching" what you download to a certain "degree." (To know more, please, I beg you, just read the article.)
Here's the beginning to get you started (and hopefully spark your interest enough that you actually will go read the article):
"Comcast, under federal inquiry over its throttling of BitTorrent traffic, said Thursday it will deploy a so-called "agnostic" approach to traffic management and treat all data equally by year's end."
Agnostic? Isn't that what my parents put on my birth certificate when I was born because they didn't want to force a religion on me? I'm already not liking the sound of this "merger."
Let's skip ahead:
"Digital rights groups were not so sure. They urged the Federal Communications Commission to continue its inquiry into Comcast and other internet service providers that had been delaying or blocking BitTorrent packets. The BitTorrent protocol, while having legitimate purposes, is among the technologies of choice for distributing pirated material online."
So, like me, others weren't so sure of this whole idea either... Hmm, I wonder why...
Pirating materials. It's all about big business and control. The movie industry is hardcore when it comes to protecting its intellectual property, like movies. Big business wants to watch your ISP and make sure you don't download Pirates of the Caribbean like I did and if you do, even, oh, just to test the waters, you'll get a lovely piece of email straight from your ISP berating you for doing such a thing.
I wonder how my ISP knew what I was BitTorrenting?
Think about it. Go back, read Wiki, educate yourself, then go check out that article. Seriously. This is not a joke. Net Neutrality is es muy importante, people! Know your rights BEFORE they are taken away.

"The issue of net neutrality is bigger than Comcast and BitTorrent," he said. "This agreement does nothing to protect the many other peer-to-peer companies from blocking, nor does it protect future innovative applications and services. Finally, it does nothing to prevent other phone and cable companies from blocking. Innovators should not have to negotiate side deals with phone and cable companies to operate without discrimination. The internet has always been a level playing field, and we need to keep it that way."
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Net_neutrality

Killer Bee Pic I Took @ Tower Hill in Mass

Check it:
Tower Hill 2008 136
And if you like that, here's a link to the set: http://flickr.com/photos/melissa/sets/72157607097697840/

Aug 30, 2008

Passion 4 Sale (poem)


I do these things for free
Because I have passion in me
I starve I cry
I wonder why
But when I see you smile
Everything's alright for awhile

Aug 24, 2008

Mercurial & Moody (poem)

They call it transference
So I transfer to you
Can you absorb
And deflect
All this negative energy
That keeps enveloping me
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
I wanna go
Start over
I wanna stay
So scared
I don't know
I just don't know
On any given day
What I'll think
What I'll do
Or what I'll say
They call it mercurial
And they call it moody
But I just call it
Me

Aug 23, 2008

Hey Guess What? *updated with slight caution*

I've got nothing to say but that's ok.

It's all been said before.

Just from different degrees.

What does that even mean?

I'm writing again. Started a story. Dunno where's it's going to take me yet. It's really telling itself to me. Does that sound odd? Maybe I'm a little freak. But that's ok, cause I really dig me. And you. For reading me.

Keep on... I got some more coming. Hahaha. She said cumming.

Ciao for now!
Love to ALL,
-Mel

PS: Please don't ask me what it's about. I don't like talking about projects I'm currently working on. Thanks for understanding.

Aug 22, 2008

"So leave me be" (poem)

I may not be sleeping
I may just be grieving
I may not be sleeping
I may just be weeping

So leave me be
I'm just a honey bee
Who lost her hive
So just give me five

Everything I love
Leaves in the end
This would be why
I'm such a bad friend

I may not be sleeping
I may just be weeping
I may not be sleeping
I may just be grieving

So leave me be
But don't forget
To text me
No more secrets

(I miss my cat)

I’m Not OK (Gone)

I'm not ok
it's not ok
it's not fair
you were always there
no one to talk to yet you
always listened like you knew
exactly what I was saying
you meowed back
like we were conversing

I don't know how to live without you
I don't want to live without you
There's a big black void
where my heart used to be
And all I can think
is you're gone you're gone
gone gone too soon
too quick what did i do
wrong gone gone gone

Nine and a half years
Nine nine nine and a half years
That's a long time
That's his life line
And I want him
To not be gone
But all I can think

is you're gone you're gone
gone gone too soon
too quick what did i do
wrong gone gone gone

I don't want to live without you
But I guess I'll have to
Life keeps moving on
No matter how slow you go
Life just keeps moving on
No matter if you're dead
Life just moves on instead
Gone gone gone wrong
gone gone feeling guilty gone
feeling wrong gone gone

Aug 21, 2008

The story of when Jeremy pooped his pants...as an adult...in public

Morris' recent comment reminds me of a story:

Once upon a time when Jeremy and I were first married -- out here all alone in LA with no car and only each other for company -- we desperately had to go to a grocery store but Jer was real sick. Flu-like symptoms. But because he knew I couldn't possibly carry all the stuff we needed he decided to walk down with me, despite his illness, to the store (which was & still is, incidentally, "Evil Ralph's" near the Wiltern).

Well, to his chagrin he had a little accident in the store BUT he was standing in the Depends aisle where he said, all bent over weird, "I pooped my pants."

I burst out laughing because I thought it was a clever joke (he even sounded like an old, hoarse man when he said it) and all the while what with the Depends racks as his background.

But no.

He was serious.

I then went into full blown action mode to get him to the nearest bathroom right quick.

Funny side note: Due to not having done his laundry, he was wearing MY camo pants + MY boxers (yes, I used to wear men's boxers for underwear. "Try not to faint.") so like despite my mothering him I was also all, "Those are so not ever going to be my pants or boxers like ever again no matter how many times they got washed."

And they did get washed, myriad times indeed, and the Boy did wear 'em again.

Not me, tho.

Aug 17, 2008