Aug 16, 2005

Rant: Charmed, I'm Sure

My Mother and I had a discussion. I won't go into to details but she mentioned that she hadn't lived such a charmed life as me. Classmates, friends, acquaintances, and lovers have all remarked in one way or another that I have been blessed or spoiled, they have been enticed or envious, they have been repulsed or attracted, intimidated or enraged, they have followed or abandoned me. I don't think, or even feel, that I am any better than anyone else on the planet. I just am. But many have suggested I do think I'm superior in some way. Damn. I have fought for years to find myself, to accept myself, to not be what everyone else has wanted me to be and what do I get in return? Slapped in the face with blind judgment.Why? WTF? If I ever did anything to ever hurt anyone in my life I am sincerely sorry, but I do believe that I have not done anything so bad or so wrong that would warrant the kind of attacks I get on a frequent basis from various folks who claim to be my friends. I am not invincible. These attacks hurt me. Then I'm told I'm too sensitive. Well isn't that nice? So I try to ask questions, dig deeper, find where these attacks are really coming from and the response I get is a phone hung up on me. Why is it so easy to dish out yet so hard to take it? I take it all the time, whether I want to or not. It just seems to follow me in life. So I veil myself. Sure, every once in awhile the anger gets the best of me, but if I got angry every time someone slighted me I'd be yelling like a crazy person every fool day. Days like today really test my patience in humanity. I have to remind myself of beauty, truth, passion, love, art, music... charity. I have to create to breathe. So I made a necklace. Cultured fresh water black pearls with little silver stars. It looks wicked cool, albeit rather simple. I totally dig it. And it's the type of thing that I've seen in stores for over $90, but here I got the strand for $7 & the stars for $7, so my $90 necklace only cost me $14+tax and a little zone-out time making it (which, for me is a plus, not a minus). Anyhoo, I'm going to work on my song some (written, now needs to be recorded), maybe make a few T-shirts (designed, need to be uploaded), design my ideal iPod style, do a sketch of a friend... Creativity to fight negativity. And even if my life has been charmed, why is that a crime?

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