Aug 28, 2005

Randomness: It's Too Darn Hot

In case anyone is wondering, Los Angeles has reached the dog day's of summer. Had I grown up out here, I've determined after much pondering, that I would be an entirely different person today. Rather than being the studious little academic girl bent on a great college education, I would've ditched school and become a surfer chick. How anyone could study, let alone sit in school all day, during this heat is beyond me. The cool breeze off the seemingly endless horizon of the great Pacific beckons me to wade where the waves meet the shore and seek solace in the comfort of the cool salty air blowing my hair in the wind. Ah, how I love the beach!

Aug 22, 2005

Randomness: Dianetics

Sometimes I read more than one book at a time. Ok, I often read a lot of books at the same time. I can't help myself. I love to read. Typically, there's a sort of "method" to my reading "madness." There'll be one fiction book for purely leisure purposes. There'll be one non-fiction book (a bio or memoir) because I find people fascinating and I like to take a peek into someone else's life for awhile, gain new perspectives. Then there'll be one (or more) research books for whatever project I'm working on, be it a text book on math for a script about a mathematician or an archaeological book on Ancient Egypt for a novel with a dream sequence there (y'know, whatever). Could even be a manual thrust in there if I have to learn a new software application. Then there is, without a doubt, a book on religion, philosophy, or both. I'll hop from book to book depending on a variety of circumstances. If a script gets put onto a back burner, I'll switch to, say, a memoir. If real life gets too daunting, I'll switch to fiction for release. If fiction fails me and I'm feeling a little off, I'll pick up a book on religion... I've read up on countless religions. Years ago I read the Book of Mormon. I've also read both the Old and New Testament (albeit for college). I've read several books from a class someone else took in Buddhism. And I've read, at length, various books on what we now call Pagan religions or mythology. I've yet to read either the Koran (Qur'an) or the Torah (and subsequently the Kabbalah), though I'd like to. However, I did decide to delve into the seemingly strange world of Scientology via Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, mainly because the memoir I'm currently reading is kind of lacking in some way... So, yeah, I have only read the very beginning of Dianetics and, well, I hate to say it, but it really makes sense to me. I mean, who knows, perhaps halfway through I'll think otherwise, but in the meantime, people, Dianetics... Makes sense... Hold me.

Aug 16, 2005

Photo: black cultured freshwater pearl necklace

black cultured freshwater pearl necklace
Originally uploaded by m220.

Made myself a pearl necklace. yay. :)

Rant: Charmed, I'm Sure

My Mother and I had a discussion. I won't go into to details but she mentioned that she hadn't lived such a charmed life as me. Classmates, friends, acquaintances, and lovers have all remarked in one way or another that I have been blessed or spoiled, they have been enticed or envious, they have been repulsed or attracted, intimidated or enraged, they have followed or abandoned me. I don't think, or even feel, that I am any better than anyone else on the planet. I just am. But many have suggested I do think I'm superior in some way. Damn. I have fought for years to find myself, to accept myself, to not be what everyone else has wanted me to be and what do I get in return? Slapped in the face with blind judgment.Why? WTF? If I ever did anything to ever hurt anyone in my life I am sincerely sorry, but I do believe that I have not done anything so bad or so wrong that would warrant the kind of attacks I get on a frequent basis from various folks who claim to be my friends. I am not invincible. These attacks hurt me. Then I'm told I'm too sensitive. Well isn't that nice? So I try to ask questions, dig deeper, find where these attacks are really coming from and the response I get is a phone hung up on me. Why is it so easy to dish out yet so hard to take it? I take it all the time, whether I want to or not. It just seems to follow me in life. So I veil myself. Sure, every once in awhile the anger gets the best of me, but if I got angry every time someone slighted me I'd be yelling like a crazy person every fool day. Days like today really test my patience in humanity. I have to remind myself of beauty, truth, passion, love, art, music... charity. I have to create to breathe. So I made a necklace. Cultured fresh water black pearls with little silver stars. It looks wicked cool, albeit rather simple. I totally dig it. And it's the type of thing that I've seen in stores for over $90, but here I got the strand for $7 & the stars for $7, so my $90 necklace only cost me $14+tax and a little zone-out time making it (which, for me is a plus, not a minus). Anyhoo, I'm going to work on my song some (written, now needs to be recorded), maybe make a few T-shirts (designed, need to be uploaded), design my ideal iPod style, do a sketch of a friend... Creativity to fight negativity. And even if my life has been charmed, why is that a crime?

Aug 14, 2005

Songwriting: Words in my head....

So, I've been haunted with these words floating around in my head. Sometimes they become dialogue for a scene, sometimes poetry, but every once in awhile they want to be songs. I have never studied music, so I don't technically know how to write songs. The ones I have written started out as more rigid poetry and evolved in the process of recording them and mixing in layers of music... But this one is really bugging me. It's sort of an 'unrequited love' theme, which can so easily turn into utter cheese. (Ha, see if I had written "udder cheese" that would've been an interesting pun, eh? I'm odd. I know this.) Anyhoo, I have the beginning verse type bit, then a chorus bit, then a shortened verse, chorus with a twist, then re-verse from the first half of the first verse, which I feel should go into a slightly altered second half of the first verse that really exposes the anguish... That's the part where I hit the wall. Bam. Writing can be like riding a bicycle with no hands down a hill -- so freeing & exhilarating -- then you run over a twig or rock, go flying over the handlebars, and pound your head into the
pavement -- that would be the wall or block writer's often get. Sometimes they can last for months, even years, I get short doses of blocks, like a week here, or a day or two there... Man, I really need some inspiration. I'm going to go try to seek out dolphins in Malibu this week. I wonder what time would be best to see them? Early morning or early evening? :-\

Aug 13, 2005

Photo: Love-and-Peace-Or-Else

Originally uploaded by m220.

And they're doing the atomic bomb
Do they know where the dance comes from
Yes, they're doing the atomic bomb
They want you to sing along

-"Seconds" by U2 (similar sentiments today as then)

Creative Writing: Chapter 18 - God?

What a piece of work is a man,
how noble in reason,
how infinite in faculties,
in form and moving,
how express and admirable in action,
how like an angel in apprehension,
how like a god!
-William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2

Epiphany. E=MC². π. Standing above the tree line on a mountain on a clear day in New Hampshire. Looking up at the star filled sky lying on your back in the middle of a national park in New Mexico and seeing, amongst the infinite numbers of seemingly still stars, one shooting star; a meteor entering the Earth's atmosphere and going out in a blaze of glory. Standing in the shower, alone, as the steam envelops your body and you raise your hands to brush the wet strands of hair from your eyes. Or lying in a hot bath and slipping your head under the water so that only your eyes and nose are out of the water, but your ears are emerged and listening to only the sound of your breathing. Driving through hills or mountains and coming around a bend to an unexpected breathtaking view of the sun setting over the infinite horizon of the Pacific ocean, all pink and gold and blue with sparkles.

Where did it all go wrong?

"I think of the 'Americas' I know--
a whole continent consecrated to greed,
and given over to the rape of nature and the death of art."
-Erica Jong from Shylock's Daughter

We, each of us, have made mistakes in our lives. Mistakes we tell no one, mistakes we hide from ourselves in dark denial. Mayhaps some of those are not really mistakes, rather some sort of trauma we underwent as children, yet perceive as mistakes. Regardless, the mistakes equal guilt in our minds.

This guilt manifests itself in many ways. Self-destruction via drugs, alcohol, sex, suicide, cigarettes, caffeine, and prescriptions. There are infinite possibilities. We may sacrifice our destinies, or if you are a believer in free will, sacrifice our goals for the security of an ill-matched lover. There are many ways to kill the soul and many victims in our world. You may be one. However, these mistakes date back farther than I am educated to fathom.

I cannot tell you when or how or even why. Mayhaps a scholar of philosophy or anthropology or sociology or… All I know is that we got it wrong somewhere along the way as an entire species. Did we know? Do we know now? Will we ever know? Was there one man or woman who held the decision, knew the inevitable consequences, yet ignored them and proceeded forward never looking back on what could have been? What could have been?

Excerpt from In the Now: a Memoir

Photo: I make T-shirts when I can't sleep.

I make T-shirts when I can't sleep.
Originally uploaded by m220.

Buy Me


Aug 10, 2005

In Memoriam: Our Giant Died

When we first moved here 6+ years ago, one of the first celebrities I saw was Matthew McGrory. Since that day I've seen him several times, met him... he was super sweet. We knew he wouldn't live long due to his condition, but we'd hoped he'd live longer than he did.

Sad to see him go so soon...

7-Foot-Plus Actor Matthew McGrory Dies - Yahoo! News

Aug 7, 2005

Photo: My Desktop Aug 2005

My Desktop Aug 2005
Originally uploaded by m220.


i'm such a dork


Creative Writing: (Lazy, Cool) Sunday Afternoon

On a lazy, cool
Sunday afternoon,
she sat still
dressed in old, worn Levi's,
a bleached stained, soft, black V-neck T,
and daisy patterned, black plastic flip-flops
smoking an American Spirit Light.

Music by Angelo Badalamenti
lent an eerie mood
to an otherwise
calm day.
A Douglas Adams book
lay waiting by her side
to be re-read
for an umpteenth time.

She took another drag
and contemplated chain-smoking
just for the hell of it.
She paused;
glanced between her
glass of cold water
and thermos of
apple cinnamon tea,
then took a sip from each
(though, not simultaneously),
but something ached within--
something she missed.

She pulled out
another cigarette
and rummaged around
for a pack of matches--
finding one that read,
“Yeah, I got a tattoo.
And no, you can’t see it.”
Yes, she had a tattoo
(one of a Joshua Tree),
but was happy to show it.

She had shown it
to the guy,
who had stolen her green lighter
and, while she wanted
that lighter back,
this was not
what she missed.
And while she ached
for other reasons:
physical reasons--
her muscles were quite sore
after a long, hard day’s work--
what she missed,
what she ached for
were people--
the company of others
with which to laugh,
to shine love on
(whether they liked her
or not),
to observe and study,
and share stories with--

The month was November
and, aside from yesterday,
she hadn’t worked
on a film set
since January.
And though the work
was hard
and left her body
bruised and sore,
it was the people--
the company
of like-minded people
she missed
the most.

And here she was
on a lazy, cool
Sunday afternoon
after having woken
when she wanted to
with no alarm set
or place to be
ready to resume
her writing
and editing
and submitting
and pursuing
her dream
of becoming
a published author--
something she desired since,
her whole life.
But a writer’s life
can be quite lonely
at times.

And so she ached
and so she missed
and so she longed for
the company of other
like-minded people,
while listening to
the sad,
whispery voice
of Julee Cruise
as Myrrh incense
wafted through the air
like mist
on this
lazy, cool
Sunday afternoon.

Aug 4, 2005

Photo: My Book

A Picture Share!, originally uploaded by m220.
My book came in the mail today! So exciting! (i just know you want to buy a copy too - E-mail me for a $5 discount)

Photo: Waiting Room

A Picture Share!, originally uploaded by m220.
In the therapist's waiting room...Waiting.

Randomness: Horrorscopes?

Sometimes it scare me how dead on these can be...

February 18 - March 19
Too much stress and tension from overwork could have you feeling a little under the weather today, dear Pisces. Still, you might feel obligated to get busy and take care of chores around the house in spite of being tired, but you really can let them go! You need some rest, and your health is more important than keeping your house in perfect order. Find a good book and catch up on your reading. You'll feel better tomorrow.

That's from my U2Mel MSN page. I was awoken today by a knock at the door. Dragon Lady (aka the manager's wife) wanted to see my bathroom because there's a leak in the basement. Well, I've been complaining about said leak for over a year and was told that to fix it was too costly for the building owners. Ha! So, whatever, she makes remarks on the (not so) cleanliness of my apartment, which was kind of a blow because I've been working hard to keep it clean and force Jeremy to not recreate his messes over and over everywhere (though he is slipping again -- I should post pics off his mess around the coffee table -- it just grows!).

Anyhoo, that got me all stressed out, not to mention the "cats" -- whole other issue I'd rather not elaborate on... Phew! STRESSFUL!

So, I did some quick cleaning in the entryway, but all I want to do is finish reading Mardras on Rainy Days. *sigh*

In other news, you may have noticed that I worked a little on my sidebar... Added more friends and, in doing so, thought I'd add some celebrity blogs that I had bookmarked. Too funny. You really should read them sometime. RuPaul cracks me up!

Aug 2, 2005

Creative Writing: Chapter 3 - Fate & College

Drugs: An Interlude

As quick as the buses come and go,
I'll be,
through TV's haze and static;
disguised as hypocrisy
I'm true
but love not my reality
a grainy faded black and white
image self-prescribed
by my camera's lens;
I swallow this drug of

Hand in hand with my growing up, being a part of my generation (or any other generation for that matter), is the exploration with drugs.

Drugs were there in the fifties, we all know that thanks to Burroughs, but they seemed unimportant to the Beat movement as a whole. In the sixties drugs were the movement. Turn on, tune in, and drop out. I tried to read Wolfe's "Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test," but it lost me in the whole Merry Pranksters thing. In the seventies, it was less about expanding your mind, as it was about numbing your mind. And that's pretty much where the drug evolution plateaued. Since then it's been about escapism.

Having said that, the first time I tried drugs, it was to fit in, but subsequent times it was to escape my mind. And I did. Then I lost it. Then I closed it. Then I had recurring anxiety attacks (whole other issue). Then I tried to open it again; still trying today.

(Excerpt from In the Now)

Aug 1, 2005

Creative Writing: Chapter 1 - Truth

My favorite generation is the one known as The Beat Generation. Their attitudes, I feel, best reflect the ideals of my peers and myself. However, after the love-in, directionless, hippie-sixties, the cocaine, nightclub, disco-seventies, and the yuppie, Me Generation, we weren't left much. We have been penned the Slacker Generation, the MTV generation, and so on, but no one has really hit the nail on the head.

There seems to be no new paths to create for us, so we face no revolution of attitude, dress, or music as the true beats faced. Everything has already been done. As Frost once said, "I chose the path less traveled." My generation not only faces all well traveled paths, but paved ones. Where once children had the prospect of making their lives better for themselves than the lives of their parents, we face a more grim realization. We may never have the house, the station wagon, the dog, and the 2.5 kids, not that any of us really want that, but even if we did, it's just not there. Now, one might say that having a college education can buy one those things, but from my own experience with charging into the world, bachelor's degree in tow, I know different, as does the rest of my generation, I presume.

We are the hopeless, violent, deranged, anxious, tired, and beaten generation. Beaten down, beating out, beaten up, just plain old beaten from our past, our future, and, most importantly, our present. (Ironically, we are also beaten' electronically; where the beatniks had congas, we have drum n' bass.)

We have no focus, nothing to hold on to, no one voice to follow, not that one voice could ever even speak for all of us, as we pull further and further apart from each other in an attempt to all find our roots. We no longer seem to be Americans, rather, African Americans, Asian Americans, and so on. The melting pot has reverted back to its myriad ingredients. Maybe that's why we can't seem to get it together, or maybe it's because of previous generations screwing it all up for us. Who really knows? Maybe it's because the nineties were nothing but a countdown to the Millenium. Every other decade had a style of its own, culturally, politically, and musically. The nineties were a strange blend of retro and futuristic; a cacophonic crescendo of the last 4 or 5 decades climaxing towards the year 2000. Funny thing is that the start of the new millenium was really 2001. But no one seems to notice that because they're too busy counting.

As the baby boomers continue to run the world, they shove us aside, and search for an answer to the possible technological breakdown at breakneck speed, among other things. We are simply in the way. There's no room for us in politics or business, and the ones that actually make it in the entertainment industry are exploited and left in the dust quicker than you can say overnight-success. (EMF, Savage Garden, Letters to Cleo, 4 Non Blondes, Jesus Jones' "Right here, right now"--you see my point.)

We look back to music, art, and films made in earlier times and consider them far superior to that which we, my generation, are producing today. But people made most of the stuff back then the age we are now. Yet for some reason Janis Joplin, Andy Warhol, and Dennis Hopper had more to say in their early twenties than any of us could ever dream of saying. Well, I'm not putting down Janis, or young adults today, but that's just how it seems. I guess we're nothing but a countdown generation.

And I'm certainly not saying that I have the answers, but I'm sick of waiting for someone else to come along and be the new Jack Kerouac.

(Excerpt from In the Now.)

Graphic Design: Adobe Photoshop = slow (why?)

Adobe Photoshop is running really slowly on the PC. And I don't mean rendering time; that's actually running as quickly and smoothly as ever. No, what I mean is just simply things like switching from tool to another, especially eye dropper, and switching from one layer to another. It's most odd and not something I've ever encountered before (and I've been PS since 4.0 on both PC & Mac!)... So, what to do?

If anyone out there in the world ever reads this blog and has thoughts on the matter, well, I'm quite open to advice.

Life: Light My (Own) Way

So, I took the big leap with publishing my 7 year old book & my 4 year old album. I can't believe I waited so long! But really, how will I ever make my mark on the world if I tuck away all I create in boxes, on shelves, under stacks of papers, piles of CDs, and so on? So silly! So I say, enough! Enough of being afraid to shine my light on the world and show it what I've got! Enough of hiding behind my musical hero, standing in his shadows and seeking a modicum of fame & acceptance riding the coat-tails of someone else's achievements (although they are quite big shoes to fill!). But I'm not trying to be anyone but me. I just want to live, love, laugh and shine my own light on the world.